Three Reminders To Help You Go From Victim to Victor

“I get knocked down, but I get up again,

You are never gonna keep me down”

These lyrics from a song by Chumbawamba are not only catchy but can serve as a response to the challenging moments and situations that happen to all of us.

You know - Breakups. Lay-offs. Unexpected illness. (to name a few)

When I went through that trifecta myself I didn’t necessarily have that song lyric going through my head, but I did make a choice. A choice that I feel impacted the journey of getting on the other side of the pain. I decided to be the Victor not the Victim.

Here are some reminders that continue to help me be the Victor in my life and may inspire you to ditch the Victim mindset:

Everything Is Happening FOR me not TO me

Ultimately we just get to decide if the powers that be are out to get us or are on our side.

We all have those moments in our life when we feel like throwing in the towel because of xyz. Maybe you went on another awful first date and you feel like you're down on your luck in love. But what if all those bad first dates were happening FOR you because it helped you move faster through people that weren’t right for you and got you closer to the person that’s meant for you? Instead of being sad about it, you get to choose to be happy. You aren’t wasting your time with people who aren’t a fit!

This same mindset helps in work environments. I remember when I was laid-off for the fourth time (yes, fourth time thanks to California’s LIFO teaching policy.) It was so tempting to feel like a victim. I was a great teacher. My students and parents loved me and yet here I was with another pink slip. But that fourth slip prompted me to ask myself the question, “How could this be FOR my benefit?” That shift in mindset launched a new journey and resulted in the organization I run today - WIT - Whatever It Takes.

Sometimes it can feel like everything is stacked against us. But in the moments when we are starting to feel sorry for ourselves and feel like a victim of our circumstances, we get to ask ourselves one simple and powerful question, “What if this is happening FOR me?”

Why Not Me?

We’ve all been there. The “Why me?” moment. Usually a moment full of self-pity and wallowing.

But a better question is “Why not me?”

Why should any of us be exempt from pain, tragedy, illness, or sadness? This is all part of the human experience and if we are going to participate in this life adventure that means we will face highs, lows, successes, and setbacks.

A couple of years ago, during covid lockdowns, I got sick. It wasn’t covid but something was wrong. There had been a lot of concerns about people crowding the hospitals unnecessarily and I figured I could just deal with it at home. Well, a week later I was in the ER and admitted because my body was going septic. I had been living with a ruptured appendix and eventually my surgeon would call me both a “dumbass” (for not coming to the hospital earlier) and a “badass” (for handling the pain).

I had quite a long hospital stay and there were some very frustrating and discouraging moments. There were also times I felt very alone since visitors weren’t allowed. But I had made a choice that I wasn’t going to feel sorry for myself. I knew that defeatist mindset wasn’t going to help me heal or recover. So in my “Why me?” moments, I would quickly respond with “Why not me? Why should I be exempt from trials like this?” I had my nurses write motivational quotes on the whiteboard and help me set daily goals. They even wrote “Whatever It Takes” (my organization’s name and motto) on the board. One day they told me, “It’s really great to work with someone who wants to get better.” I was surprised by this comment. They went on to say, “Some people just get so down and feel so sorry for themselves and it’s hard to keep them healthy and happy.”

None of us deserve a life without trials. It’s just a matter of how we will face them.

How Would I Respond If I Knew Everything Was Going To Be OK

In some of my darkest and most discouraging moments and even through tears, I will ask myself, “If you knew it was all going to be OK, how would you act right now?” That simple question starts to calm my nervous system, bring me back to center, and my mind and body start responding accordingly.

Notice I didn’t say “perfect”. I said “OK”.

I was involved in a business partnership that took a turn for the worst. We were just weeks out from an event and the partner wasn’t upholding their part of the deal. I was tempted to pull out of the event or get everyone on a call and point out all the ways they were dropping the ball. Both of those choices could have been justified, but ultimately they wouldn’t help the audience/customer.

On an afternoon when I was contemplating my choices I asked myself the question, “What would I do if I knew it was all going to be OK?” The answer for me at the time was, “Focus on giving the audience/customer an amazing experience and deal with these issues after the event.”

That choice felt good, right and productive. And guess what? The event went great and the debrief call post event was a lot more productive than it would have been in the heat of the moment.

So, how do you want to walk in the world? Do you want to feel like everyone’s out to get you? Or that you always get the short end of the stick? Do you want to feel like things never work out for you?

OR

Do you want to participate in life with a mindset that everything is happening for you? And that trials are part of life but you have tools that will help you navigate them and that setbacks are often setups for something better.

Victim or Victor.

You Choose.